Thursday, January 30, 2014

The ache

I am not sure if you saw this fabulous post by blogger Sarah Bessey on Facebook, but this one spoke right to me. Especially since we had just made our decision to be done having babies a  permanent one. The only thing that was different for me than Sarah,  is that I have always had the dream of being a stay at home mom. I do have "the ache" in me. My babies are growing up so fast and it is emotional and amazing to watch.
 Here is what the post said so well...

"Our old baby crib is now sitting in pieces in the garage. We will take it to the dump soon (it has one of those now-outlawed dropsides so we can’t resell it or donate it). Whole sections of the bars are gnawed to bare wood by little teething babies, there are bits of sticker glue and swipes of Sharpie marker here and there, the screws are a bit loose. It’s in rough shape after nearly eight years and three big babies-to-toddlers in quick succession. There are a lot of sacred memories hidden in that dismantled old crib. The day we took it apart, I cried over that junky old crib. Goodbye, old friend.
It is likely that there are no more babies for us.
I was never one of those girls who wanted to have a houseful of babies, who just wanted to get married and have babies and stay home with them. I mean, I was okay with kids but it wasn’t my thing. I quit babysitting at 14 because I figured there had to be a better way to make money than that. And even after our miscarriages and challenges with fertility, I was unprepared for how completely transformative I found motherhood, how I loved even the mundane dailyness, how I found joy here.
I know that everyone’s experience is different, and I’m not saying that mine is normative but it’s real and I can’t deny it: I came into myself when I became a mother. I was reborn, all over again. The experience of pregnancy, birth, and breastfeeding my babies profoundly changed me AND it changed my view of God entirely.
So, of course, it’s hard to know that stage of my life is done now.
But it is.
It’s likely that I won’t ever be pregnant again, that I won’t carry a baby within me again, that I won’t ever give birth again. (Yes, I’m one of those awful women who loves pregnancy and giving birth.) When I think about not breastfeeding – one of the most real things I’ve ever done with this body – ever again, I catch my breath with longing.
And yet, I love this new stage of life with the tinies. Just when I think we’re at my favourite stage with them, something new comes along and I think, “oh, wow! no, this part is my favourite!”
People tell you a lot about how much parenting will change your life and they’re right. But usually they mean that you won’t ever sleep in again (you won’t) and a few other things about how much we “give up” to become parents. No one tells you how much you’re going to laugh. No one tells you how much wisdom resides in these small humans, how much they will teach you about love and life and friendship and forgiveness and worship. No one tells you how good and freeing it is to leave your selfishness behind. No one tells you about recapturing your own wonder and innocence, about re-reading the Ramona books, about playing football in the basement, about birthday parties and snow days and every day beauty. All the best things I know about the big nouns and verbs of a life came back into my life because of them.
But there likely won’t be anymore Bessey babies for us. Our family is complete, it seems, we’ll always be a Five-Family, as the tinies call us. There are many personal reasons why we’ve come to this decision as a family.
In my head, I know that this is the right decision. In my heart, I know this is the right decision. Brian and I are in complete agreement.
And yet there is The Ache.
Always The Ache, right underneath my lungs, in the pit of my gut, the ache of what that means and the grief of moving on, of love, of knowing: No more babies. No more nursing quietly in the night. No more flour sack of milk-drunk baby bliss. No more gummy smiles. No more tiny diapers. No more baby clothes. No more crib. No more baby wearing. No more new baby smell. No more of the millions of moments that knit your heart so completely to another small soul.
The season of having babies – the one that so radically changed me – is over. I’m okay with that. Most days, I’m even very happy about it, relieved perhaps. It’s an intense season of life, make no mistake. We’re ready for this new season, looking forward with anticipation to new things. Other days, it’s hard.
I know we like to pretend like we can have everything all at once. It’s a nice illusion. But there are transitions in our lives: times for certain seasons and times when those seasons end. Are we happier for pretending that we can have everything anytime we like? Or are we better when we acknowledge the end of one chapter of our lives, grieve and sing and give weight to the passing of it, and move forward? To everything, there is a season.
I am starting to think that, no matter how many children we have, no matter the reasons why, no matter how old we are, when you’re done having babies, we always carry The Ache.
I have a friend who had six children, and she said that she had The Ache when they were done. I have other friends who had two, who had The Ache. Other friends who had four or five or six. I have friends who are in their thirties with toddlers, in their forties with teenagers, other women in their fifties and menopausal, and they still talk about The Ache: I miss that still, they say wistfully. That was a nice time in my life.
I don’t know that we ever lose that ache. I don’t know if we ever get rid of it. I don’t know if we should.Maybe it’s meant to be there with us. So I’m learning to live with The Ache now.
I’m learning to let it be there, part of me, probably always a part of me, without justification or change of circumstance. When you have been given the tremendous gift of being able to have a baby, to give birth to that baby, to love that baby, it marks you. It should, perhaps, and so this season has marked more than just my stretched-out body, it has marked my soul.
The Ache reminds me of the great and terrible beauty I have seen, of what love I have experienced, of the sorrow and brokenness of loss, of all the love that is still here, of the wonder and miracle of life, of the sweetness of co-creation, of the labour and release, of transcendence.
Praise God, my babies are growing up and that is its own joy and beauty. I’ll miss toddlers in the same way, I’ll miss preschoolers, I’ll miss their kindergarten self, their Grade Two self, as well, and so on through their lives.
Right now, the Ache is for no more babies in my life. This was a beautiful time in my life, please notice that it’s changing. But the Ache changes and grows as we move through our years, I imagine, perhaps in proportion to the life we live, the love we gather and give. Someday, I’ll miss these very days, talk about them with the same language, perhaps.
And in another few years, the blink of an eye, I’ll be sitting in a house, alone: the laundry will be done at last, the house will be clean – and it will stay clean, and the floors will be quiet, no one will be asking me for anything at all, my time will be my own, and I will feel the full weight of The Ache for which I’ve been holding vigil at last. 
It’s simply the Ache of time passing, because this is what time does, and our souls are noticing the passing of a season, and it’s okay. It’s okay to let it Ache. It means we’re living and it means we’re loving our life as it stands, loving it enough to notice a transition away.
I am making my peace with The Ache, holding a bit of space for its presence in my life today. Someday it will be my old friend."
Thanks for sharing this with me Melissa!! 

Tuesday, January 28, 2014

Recovery/Snow day/Hoops

Well, surgery went perfectly. They had to do a little more "repair work" than planned(I had some muscle tears from having my boys) but all is good. I came home to some sweet flowers and a cute note.
Cooper's teacher helped him make this--so sweet!

Flowers from my mil

Flowers from our friends the Liles
The pain has been very manageable--mainly just achy feeling. I have to do a lot of nothing for about six weeks. No driving for the first two, if I can help it, and definitely no lifting for six. At first that sounds all wonderful--doing nothing-but it is so much harder than I imagined. I have been doing dishes and laundry(as long as someone gets it out), I fold it and put it away. My body gave me a message that I was doing too much because Sunday, I felt pretty yuck. Ok body, I hear you! Sitting more.
Luckily, my sweet sil Hillary, gave me two wonderful books to read...

I love Candace Cameron Bure. Used to love her as DJ on Full House. Now I love the honest Christian wife and mother she is. Thanks Hillary! I will let you all know how they are! 

On Friday, we got some cold weather. Yes a snow day--with very little snow. It doesn't matter how much, a little is exciting around here. I had to be inside watching but my hubby snapped a picture of the trampoline fun.
I also snapped a picture of my baby being cute outside the window. He loved the cold.

Cooper had a basketball game on Saturday and he did so great! I was so upset to miss it! Apparently, he made 5 shots. He got the star for Offense after the game and his coach nicknamed him, "nothing but net Cooper"-- he was so excited!!! Luckily my hubby sent me a video of one of the great shots!!!!

Love my #15!! 

Wednesday, January 22, 2014

Prayers please

Tomorrow(actually today since it is 1:00am) I will be going in for surgery. I am having hysterectomy. So fun right? Well, I have some issues from having my babies and those are no fun and now is the time to get it all taken care of. I am a little nervous especially since I have never had surgery before but I know I will be just fine. I will only spend one night in the hospital and I will be back home to my boys on Thursday. The recovery will be a bit tough and I will be down for several weeks but in the long run I will feel much better. Luckily, we are blessed with wonderful family and friends all offering to help out. Looking forward to getting active again.
If you get a chance please say a quick prayer for me. Surgery starts at 7:00 am.
Appreciate it sooooooo much!!!!

Monday, January 20, 2014

Cooper's 1st basketball game

Cooper was really wanting to play basketball. We decided to start with Upward basketball since Colton had a great experience in that league. Cooper loves basketball! (All sports really) He is always wanting to play in the driveway. Saturday was his first ever real game. He was so nervous! He worked hard though and made some great passes. He was really great on defense and he got the gold star for Sportsmanship. His team did win! So proud of my boy! Looking forward to seeing the progress as the season goes on.

After the game meeting


                                                                      Go #15!!!

Sunday, January 19, 2014

Bday Celebration for Colton

Colton's real birthday was on a Wednesday so that day was a simple day. We started with the traditional pancake breakfast and he opened some presents before school.

Have to mention, that Cooper saved a game he got for Christmas and hid it as a bday gift for Colton. He was so excited to give it to him!

                                                                    Brotherly love. =)

 Carter and I took him lunch and a donut cake to school.

That afternoon, he came home and got his big gift from Cody and I am our parents. He was so excited about his new very own laptop!! Then we met some family at Freddy's Frozen Custard(his choice) for dinner.

Then yesterday, we picked up 5 of his favorite friends and headed to see The Nut Job. Afterwards, we got pizza, had some cupcakes and a sleepover. 

Such a great group of boys--Landon, Hayden, Colton, Graham, Brayden and Luke

Carter had to get in one picture.

Carter made it to be the second to last one awake. He finally gave up in the chair. ;)

This morning, they woke up early, took a walk around our neighborhood and then played outside.

We had lots of fun celebrating my big 11 year old!!!

Btw, Cooper chose to skip the movie and stay the night with his cousin Luke. 

Wednesday, January 15, 2014

Happy birthday Colton!

I can't believe my first baby is 11 years old!! Seriously, where does the time go?? It is just going too fast. What I know for sure is that Colton Wyatt is one of my most favorite people in the world!!! So, now I am gonna take a minute and brag on my biggest boy! He is so witty, I mean I crack up at him everyday. He is so smart and school work comes pretty easy for him but he still works very hard. He is a rule follower and such a thinker(sometimes this means too much worry--he gets that from me.) He is so loving and affectionate. Thank goodness, he still loves to hug on his Mama! He is God loving.The boy talks to God a lot and has a super strong faith. He is so kind-hearted and has a love for animals. We call him the cat whisperer lately because he can calm Ollie in a second. He loves adventure and is so much fun! He is a great big brother and an overall great role model. He is so great to chat with! Spending time with him is the best! I could go on and on! Bottom line, this boy brings us immeasurable amounts of JOY and and makes us so proud everyday!

Happy 11th birthday Colton Wyatt!! You makes us feel blessed beyond measure!!